OMG
Whomever said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder had it right.
Sometimes I just really can't get over how much we focus on beauty/shape/being thin. It's everywhere. I thought I was just riding the skirt tails with my lotion-potion shop, but it seems that I let the best get to me.
I can't help to feel down still. I've lost a few pounds and I'm happy for myself, but I guess not the kind of happy I should be. I complain my clothes are too big, just joking around, but mostly 'cause I can't believe it. Although right now...I want more. I want to be truly satisfied with myself. It's like I get those same shitty feelings that I had with Darien about losing weight...and instead of sad I get super pissed off. Brian accepts me for who I am. We don't really talk about weight or anything or shapes and things like that, but I still want to hear that shit, you know? Like that I'm so beautiful and my body is hot...
I just find my mind wandering still.
It sucks because I'm supposed to be happy, but my low self-esteem still seems to linger from time to time.
I look at my body and I see the change. I look at my body and feel the change. Feel the cosmos...so tingly. Maybe I worry too much?
I thought I was taking enough quiet time to do things that I like and sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor. Self meditate-medicate I guess. My mind keeps wandering back though...like I'm not doing "enough" and "WTF took you so long to get here anyway?".
I just don't want this to turn into a monster. I can see that light at the end of the tunnel, you know?
Patience is a virtue.

It's all coming down to self-esteem now. WTF. I've started to lose the weight. I'm getting a few things in line...and there are still a few things that are crumbling by the crust side of my life pie. Everything is running through my head so fast. Whywhywhywhy on a lot of things pretty much. Why am I so scared of nothing? Why didn't I do this in school? Why didn't I take that drink? Why did it take me so long to get my ass in gear for weightloss? whywhywhywhy and it's an all time low for my LJ. I try to put on this face you know to keep things cool in my head. Seeing that my face is in front I hope that my thoughts behind it would follow in line...just like little ducklings.
Why am I just a watcher? What makes me so afraid to jump in and just do stuff? Why do I wait for things like parties where I can take pictures and recollect on lost memories with lost friends?
It doesn't make any sense and it's just me getting more angry with myself. I don't get super teary anymore, but I do still get stomach pains from time to time.
I think this all seems so cryptic because I'm not doing much in my life except just living. Worrying about getting enough vitamins. Worrying about working out. Worrying about other people. Worrying about nothing.
So...cliche. The redresser is in...repose.

It's amazing what a little box can do...
I missed a call yesterday from my mom.  She's going back into surgery for her eye.  I was seriously freaking out internally...much less could could intestinal overload come into play.  I just couldn't relax much less depend on a call to someone...sometimes I find myself still drifting off alone to go suck my thumb somewhere, but I don't want to close myself off to anyone anymore.  Old habits die hard.
BTW I DON'T SUCK ON MY APPENDAGES WHEN I STRESS OUT...that's gross.  And gross.
On my break today I picked up my violin.  I had done so recently and found it a little difficult to play, but today was different.  I really played a few songs (even though I'm harribleh out of practice).  Stress was leaving and I felt very satisfied that I could finish a melody.  Thanks, Mancini.  Picking it up again tomorrow.
Found a monologue from a book/movie that I grew up on.  Eve from Mark Twain's wrttings took me whoooshing back to sitting in front of a tv, head tilted at 90°, and staring at clay-mation for a good hour.  Helps to have a reference I guess.  :)

FINALLY made it down to Suffolk and chillin' with the family.  I can't believe it's been three months since the last time I was here.  I CAN'T BELIEVE I SAT THERE DRINKING/GETTING DRUNK WITH FAMILY.  It was loads.  The funny thing was a lot was said between everyone and some things were exposed and dribbled on.  It was fun.  And embarrassing fotos have followed.  Including one with my grandfather holding a well endowed piece of bread over his...grandfather parts.  It's still kind of weird seeing stuff like that happen.
palmface
Twins are big and Austin is bigger!  I can't believe that my cousin is 17 and is a senior in high school.  I can't believe I found a long lost cousin on Facebook.  I can't believe how much my family loves me even though I don't see them for months at a time.  *cries* COME TO ME MY BEAUTIES...COME AND NESTLE TO MY BOSOM AND RELISH IN MY GLITTERY LOVE!! *angelic chorus* *angelic flying* *katamari rolls by* *stumble in tipsy...stumble*
It's kind of like that...
Still maintaining weight (will seriously consider those two dooughnuts had for breakfast) and looking forward to this second job...interview.

His name is Brian.  He's smart and makes me laugh.  He quotes Homestar Runner and Darth Vader.  He works in colonial Williamsburg as a theatrical interpreter.  He's 6' 0".  He likes me. 
It's nice to have, but I shouldn't let my sites off my goals.  I've already let some things slip with home stuff.  I'm a slob (?!) and I can't keep a house and I've disappointed my uncle and he's going to move out and my mom won't let up and my stomach hurts and my loans are starting next month.
BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAATHE.
In other words:
     -no trips to Richmond anytime soon
     -no trips to Baltimore anytime soon
     -second job (for reals this time)
     -planning for the next two semesters at TNCC
     -less eating

Maybe that last one will be the hardest.  Looking at it like that makes the others look...less demanding.

Parlez-vous Freezepop?

I can't believe I'm leaving for home in a few hours.  There were a few ups and downs, but nothing can really overlook the idea that I got to finally spend some quality time with my mom.  I'm always going to miss her. <3
I got a little fire in my belly this trip around, too.  You know those quotes people are always saying about "feeling alone in a crowded room" or "it's not the place that's small...", well this two don't really count towards what I want to say, but what I mean is that I am motivating myself to really develop over the rest of my life.  This summer is just a start, what with the roommate and living arrangements being so-so, not finding a job, and the dumping of some emotional baggage.
I think I'll move out in a year, too.  I'm getting a little tired of Williamsburg (maybe all in my head?) the country is nice but when things are closing at 7 for my inconvenience...it kind of sucks.  Plus the single scene ain't so hot.  William&Mary is nice but I don't really go there and TNCC is...okay.  I haven't really thought of any place to live, but money is first for now. 
OH oh I've recently fallen in love with running, which is boosting my energy and slimming me down.  What is truly awesome is that my feet nor knees hurt after a solid 10 min. run.  Slow and steady!

It's too bad I don't use the interwebs enough.  I always seem so compelled to write/blog about something, but then I don't do it.
I think it's cause I wait to tell people my stories in person.  It's more fun that way.
I think I might have gone over the deep end with all this interpersonal relations online though.  I've signed up for dating sites here and there and have also 'contacted' a mystery man.  Things I'd never see myself doing.   What most I would be worried about was getting rejected face-to-face not by a souless binary code displaying poor grammar and fragments.  
So in other words, I'm gonna work a flirt and put myself out 'there' more.  Maybe Vegas?  Maybe Otakon?  Maybe TNCC?  What/whenever it is definitely next time.  I am not afraid to put out there how I feel about dating...I'm actually pretty excited.  I'm sure peeps would be up for the adventure.

BTW Here's a drawingk I did at our latest Norfolk Drawing Group.  Sure it's dark and there's only one, but there will be more later.

  Her foot was amazing.  I took some fotos there, too.  Got the green light to take more the next time I go.  Check out the Flickr web site and view the "NDG 06/23/2009" set(www.flickr.com/photos/jacdraw).  Those are my fotos I put together for the set, but feel free checking out the rest my buddies did a good job, too.
Well, this was a good start...

Okay so what does it mean when a guy doesn't really want to talk to you but will send you lame-o status reports?  No thanks may I have another?

It's the last week kiddies and boy have I never been so unexcited to look for a job.  Does anyone want an administrative assistant?  Anyone? 

I'm just getting a little lazy in the 'get-up-and-do-your-own-homework' department.

Recently rediscovered an old Sublime CD and wondering what the bullocks happened to my Arctic Monkey musicsssss!!!


Getting back into lists.  It's kind of helping.  When I actually make the lists. 

Hokay so...I've just done the math on getting out of TNCC and it's gonna take a semester longer than I thought!  IT'S JUST A CHUCKING CERTFRYCATE PROGRAM. BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAATHE.
That's not the only thing that makes Courtney angry. 
Boys. (you gotta say it through your teeth)
They're dumb!  Or they play dumb and you over think what they think they might be thinking and well you waste away perfectly good time for projects by looking at your phone wondering why didn't he...text...me.
Thank gorsh for better friends and lame-o slow lane life to take my mind off of somethings. 

Now that that's over (I'm feeling bettah...honest!) I've joined a drawing group in Norflok with Abi that meets every Tuesday.  33 rubles (7 bucks...sign of the times much???)  gets you in with honest to gods grownups sitting around for two hours, drawing figures, and drinking.  Well, Miltz (Abi's prof) and Bernard (the guy that runs the joint) always invite us out to eats, but being the poor college kids that we are, we take the pass and leave for the night. 

I haven't drawn this much since highschool and it's awesome to network and meet with these people once a week.  I am ALWAYS looking forward to the next session.

Especially if the model is a cute, short guy with ronin hair.

And now spring break for everyone else.
Mine had snow.
Still losing weight...and feeling good.
More at 10.

I've started to feel a little bit better. 

Something has changed for the better.  There are still some things I have but, I'm really going to focus on me now. 

I kind of let myself down like last year.  Not as easy.  A little harsher.  now I'm blabbering.

All I know is that I should really take up more invitations with friends instead of just waiting around for a boyfriend.  Gas is a little cheaper and since I settled for a PT job I can become more...mobile.

zoom zoom

I feel like dying.  I can't believe it.  I'm so behind and I have all this access baggage to deal with.
Since mom moved my uncle and I  have picked up the mortgage along with all utilities and things.
I tried not to have a small heart attack when I got here e-mail with the list of things that need to be covered for the month. 
I completely forgot about an easy take home test which then leads to me putting off this major project due TOMORROW.

I feel so numb right now.

On top of all that my relationship with myself is dwindling.  I need to find some inspiration that isn't society based.  I don't need anymore crap about 'oh you're a woman you should do this' or 'oh you'll never make money as an artist'.

I need to get over these hurdles/humps/speed bumps/dead things in my road. 

I just really need a major pick-me-up so I can feel better about...everything.

Plus someone to talk to about sex since this is now a MAJOR stupid ridiculous thing that I'm still very confused about what I like and all that bull crap. 

And maybe a dash of relationship advice.

"The critics' claim is that the story does not promote healthy sharing, but rather advances the idea of a socialist society where wealth is redistributed to the point where everyone has the same amount of wealth, and individualism and capitalism are wrong and should be shunned. These ideas are in contrast with traditional American values, and are seen by some as a way to undermine them."
WOW.  I seriously didn't even like Rainbow Fish.  Apparently I knew the reason why...or maybe I was just old enough to be into Goosebumps at the time. 
I think it's funny though that people can get into as much a huff with this stuff as much as poor debates on television. 

I would have loved to have seen that book review on Reading Rainbow.

Hokay so...
Just putting off some time aside for homework and serious job hunting to get to the real issue:  making you enjoy my post.
A second job sounds really good right now but DANGIT I am a little slow on uptake and I don't want retail!  Main basis for all job descriptions in this journal.  I didn't make supervisor position at Kaman's which is a little really EXTREMELY disappointing.  2 people have officially quit and sumbody was fired.  Something about upper management maybe possibly not doing their job and also that person not liking upper management anymore.  But what do I know?  I'm too busy picking up the slack for retarded crap.  It's too easy and I think that's the reason why I get a little lazy about my job.  I do hustle well though.  Not as hard as that one lady on the corner with the one leg and messy lipstick.  No.  I'm much more finely tuned and courteous.  Just enough to get me 18% of $1200 a week.  MEH.
So here's a list to catch you up on what else I've made lanky decisions on:

• I've bought TWO pairs of shoes and haven't worn them yet.  It's been three weeks.  I still like to look at them, but I can never find the right situation/gathering/outing/sacrificial dance to wear them to. :V
• I've been working out more than I used to.  I have been keeping it off pretty well but I really need to AH PUSH IT.  The great thing is I haven't tipped the scale past 180 in a few weeks.  !!!!!!!!!!!!.
• Mom and I are closer than ever but the Navy still wants to send her away.  She is officially moving out during the first week of November so that means exactly one month to get over fits of sadness.
• New found love affair with "The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack".  I can't see why my dad wouldn't late Ace watch it though.
• New appreciation for waking up early.
• Dir En Grey added me as a friend. *squee*

Only six points there but I know there's more.  They're just better to tell in person.  OH and still dreaming of Tokyo.  That's a good one. 

My little brother Austin was diagnosed with ADHD.  He takes his meds every morning and listens like a good little boy in school.  Sometimes I imagine if I lived with my dad and step-mom I woudn't let him take the pills.  We'd play and talk and then that makes me wonder...how would life be without those pills?  How would my life be now?  But that's a different writer's block session.

TONS of fun this week!  Realized I had been driving around a lot more lately and it's not all that bad...gas of course is expensive but I don't have to fill up more than 2x a week.  YES.  It helps when you got a boyfirend who will half reluctantly- half eye roll to the idea of buying me gas.  Happy Anniversary, babe! j/k
Work is lacking.  Still closing everyday and I don't think I'll be coming back definitely next year.  I love the people though so if I don't have another job to complain about by November...I'll still be talkin' 'bout Kaman's.  
BUSCH GARDENS HAS REOPENED THE GRIFFON!  The main chain up that first, STeEP hill apparently sepreated and had to be replaced.  I don't think anyone was on it when it happened though (yeah...we don't let people ride on those things if they are broken SIX FLAGS >coughcough<)...and...it took about a week and a half to replace the pieces since they were shipped from England.

Today of all days...which include having a doctor's appointment...I sleep through my alarm.  Maybe I couldn't hear it somehow?

!
I'm adding a few more things to my 'suitcase' and then I gotta wait like 19 hours! I dunno if I can handle it, Brad!

Yesterday was my last day at work so today was PACK DAY! Not to stressed about things I need to finish. I know I'll have everything. Except maybe galoshes. I just checked the weather report in Tokyo and it's been 77 for the past few days! NICE! So a light jacket and umbrella and I think that's it!

It was so good to talk to Inji the other day. Girl you know I missed you! Planning on getting together after Tokyo and Glasgow/London (that's where she's going!). My friend Katy is going out of the country, too. All the way to Australia! One other place I'd like to got but HEY take it slow court. Your gonna be gone for two whole weeks in Japan. Breathe.

I think I have enough money. If not I guess I'll have to sell some shoes. I hope I don't get busted by the cops! "No, officer I don't have a working visa...but you see I'm in dire need of some funds..." Now to translate that into engrish.

speaking of which... 
Engrish.com

Okay so we finally turned in our Business Plan today for TSD Financial Services.  And becuase we turned it in and had previously fixed corrections a week ago...we were given an 'A'.
A IS FOR  AWESOME.  As well as...the A on our project is aesthetically pleaseing.  She wrote it in the top right corner at an angle.  chic.
Now for the 15 min presentation on what we offer and blah blah blah.  Easy fo sheeazy.